PB First Lines
Featuring Christine Alemshah and Bea's Balikbayan Box of Treasures
Today, I’m delighted to have Christine Alemshah share the revision journey of the first line of her book, Bea’s Balikbayan Box of Treasures, art by Dream Chen, due out next month.
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Bea’s first lines revision journey woven through POV
Original first line:
When the seeds of your imagination begin to blossom
An ordinary box can transform into…
a bear cave,
a house,
even a rocket ship.
Final first line:
When my imagination runs free, a cardboard box becomes . . .
a bear cave
a playhouse
a rocket ship!
Point of view is powerful, especially in picture books. A shift in point of view may seem like a small change but it can change the whole vibe of a story. When I first wrote BEA’S BALIKBAYAN BOX OF TREASURES, it began as a concept book. I wanted it to be a story that could speak to anyone who picked it up. That is why I chose to write the story in second person. It is an effective format helping readers feel a sense of immersion and engagement. I wanted readers to feel like they were a character in the story. I longed to capture the universal emotional qualities of sending filipino balikbayan boxes while embracing the idea of universal imaginative play. Anywhere in the world a cardboard box has endless uses in the eyes of a child. My children oftentimes gain more enjoyment over the box a toy came in than the toy itself. I kept the second person POV version in my drawer and even submitted to a few places.
The story was eventually acquired as part of a character-driven series. When I was asked to create a proposal, my second person POV story, known at first as NO ORDINARY BOX, felt like a great fit for the series. Thankfully, I’d prepared a character interview sheet for the main character of the series. I learned this technique, which I use for many stories to get to know my characters better, from Susanna Leonard Hill. Questions include, What is your character’s name? What is their favorite color? What do they want more than anything else in the world? This in-depth interview process allowed me to interpret how Bea would interact within the existing story framework. The narrative then shifted from second person to first person point of view.
Sadly, my series deal fell through. Bea’s story was chosen above all the others to be a standalone picture book. I attribute that in part to having written it in two formats. I feel like this process gave it multiple layers. It has both an intimate first person and universal second person quality about it.
Challenge yourself to play around with point of view when drafting your manuscripts. A shift in point of view may be what your story needs to unlock that elusive “writing voice” you are seeking.
If you read and enjoy Bea’s Balikbayan Box of Treasures, leave a review! If you need help getting started writing a review, read this blog post.