Welcome to the March 2024 edition of PB First Lines!
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I’m excited to have Jessica Stremer back! This month she’s sharing the revision journey of the first line of her new picture book, LIGHTS OUT: A Movement to Help Migrating Birds.
First line:
When the air becomes cold
and the fields are bare,
a flock of sparrows know it’s time to fly south for the winter.
This book went through a lot of revisions before both the editor and I were happy with it, including the first line.
The original idea for the story included a variety of challenges birds face during migration. Even though it was a good story, there was room for improvement. My agent was the one to suggest focusing on just one challenge – light pollution. Here’s how the first line initially read:
As the sun sets
darkness cloaks the landscape.
One of my critique partners suggested leading with the birds instead of the setting . . . I didn’t listen. Version two went like this:
As the sun sets
a curtain descends,
replacing blues, purples, and pinks
with inky black.
These words are lyrical and beautiful, but additional feedback told me it still wasn’t the right way to start. Maybe I should have listened to my critique partner in the first place! Eventually I landed on this opening, which is what was sent to the editor:
A flock of sparrows
flits and flutters,
restless
sensing change.
In preparation
they’ve filled their bellies with seeds and insects,
nearly doubling their body weight.
The editor like the premise of the story, but had some suggestions, including moving these opening facts to back matter. She asked if I was willing to do a revise and resubmit. I liked her suggestions and decided to give revising a try. Here’s what I came up with:
A flock of sparrows
flaps and flutters around their winter home,
filling their bellies and preparing for a long journey north.
I wanted to make sure I was establishing a reason for why the sparrows needed to migrate. It was better, but still not completely there. Together the editor and I settled on:
When the air becomes cold,
and the fields are bare,
a flock of sparrows knows it’s time to leave their winter home.
Or so it seemed . . . For some reason I had it in my head that the sparrows needed to start their journey in the southern hemisphere and travel north. Turns out, that was quite confusing for readers in North America who are used to birds flying south for the winter. We tweaked the first line once more so that the direction of travel was more clear. The final version reads:
When the air becomes cold
and the fields are bare,
a flock of sparrows know it’s time to fly south for the winter.
I think this works because it still has the lyrical language that I love, and clearly sets the stage for what’s about to happen.
Revision tip: are you starting your story by setting the scene when introducing your character might be more effective? Give it a try. If it doesn’t work, you can always go back to setting the scene.
Happy revising!
ps check out this blog post about picture book openings.
Thank you for sharing your revision process! :)
Thank you for this super helpful revision journey! I love seeing all the stages it went through, and your careful consideration of what the story was trying to achieve.