PB First Lines October 2024 Edition

Featuring Kimberly Wilson and A CREDIT CARD TAKES CHARGE

Welcome to the October 2024 edition of PB First lines!

I'm so glad you're here.

If you’re interested in feedback on a first line from one of your WIPs, pop it in the substack comments, and I’ll analyze them in the next edition of PB First Lines.

If you would like to be a featured author in 2025, fill out one of the First Line forms!

This month, I’m excited to have Kimberly Wilson share the revision journey of the first line from her book A Credit Card Takes Charge, art by Mark Hoffman. This is the third book in a series about money, and I loved the first two, A Penny’s Worth and A Dollar’s Grand Dream. In this third book Goldie the credit card loves to splurge, but comes to realize every purchase must be paid for. In what is becoming a cashless culture, this story is such an accessible and fun introduction for kids on how to make purchases via plastic responsibly.

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First draft:

After her long journey from manufacturer to mailbox, 

Goldie the credit card came in hot. 

Final draft:

Manufactured, mailed, and activated—

Goldie charged into the wallet HOT.

What a fun exercise to go back and look at the first line in the first draft of A CREDIT CARD TAKES CHARGE (Oct 1, 2024, Page Street Kids), illustrated by Mark Hoffmann. I am shocked at how similar it was to the final draft, considering how many times I rewrote this manuscript! At the same time, it makes sense—though the story changed a lot, my character, her personality, and her motivation did not. 

This is the third picture book in a pun-filled money-themed series, and one thing I’ve really enjoyed in each is digging in to create unique characters with distinct traits, behaviors, and flaws. I especially like beginning each of these books with those things leaping right off the page! In this particular first draft, the ideas are there, but there is no pizzazz—it falls flat. As one of my CPs would say, it’s “Wah-wahhhh.” 

I needed to take a more active approach when revising to show Goldie as the uninhibited diva who shops till she drops. It’s amazing how swapping “came” for “charged” accomplished that. Replacing the comma with an em dash also gives more of the feeling she’s coming in HOT (as does all caps)!

I also wanted to establish the setting, and what better place for a credit card story to start than a wallet? Plus, I loved how “wallet” and “hot” sounded in the same line. 

It’s important to me to include factual details when writing about money and credit, so in each book in the series, I include a little about the character’s creation. With that and Goldie’s bold vibe in mind, I replaced what I originally had with more active details on her journey pre-wallet. 

It always amazes me how less is sometimes more (my first line went from 15 to 10 words, first to final draft), and small tweaks can make such a huge difference! Being intentional with each word, punctuation choices, the use of caps vs. lower case, etc., can change a line from “Wah-wahhhh” to “Wahoo!” ☺

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Revision tip: I love how with this revision story, Kimberly shows how even punctuation can add pizzazz. The em-dash is my favorite punctuation mark, so I’m partial to this piece of the revision story. Could your first line use a little punctuation revision? Or maybe all caps could add some needed excitement? You don’t want to scream at your reader—you just want them to keep reading =)