PB First Lines July 2025 Edition

Featuring Rebecca E. Hirsch with Wonder Wings: Guess Who's Flying

Welcome to the July 2025 edition of PB First Lines!

I’m so glad you’re here.

Last month, three first lines were submitted for critique.

At night, the city is made of light.

I like the internal rhyming here, with night and light. However, I’m not sure the meter follows a pattern that will be consistent the whole story. I recommend getting a meter expert to scan it. I also wonder if this might be too obvious an image. Consider a more creative way to describe the city for an opening line.

The dugout is hushed, the spectators wait,
the bases are loaded—step up to the plate.

This is a fun couplet about a very popular activity. However, it switches from third person to second person: The first three phrases are descriptive third person, but the final phrase sounds like imperative second person. I also wonder if “wait” or even “step up to” are strong enough verbs for the situation.

Piper Jones was very good at giving her opinion.

I love this first line. No notes!

If you’re interested in feedback on a first line, fill out this anonymous form, and I’ll analyze submissions in the next newsletter.

Last month I said I’d offer a free critique to one person who shared this newsletter and commented that they did so. Lindsay Moretti, thanks for sharing! If you’re interested in a free critique, email your manuscript to saralkruger@gmail.com.

Today Rebecca E. Hirsch is here to talk about the revision journey of the first line of her book, Wonder Wings: Guess Who’s Flying, art by Sally Soweol Han.

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Thanks for having me participate in PB First Lines. I've spent a lot of time studying picture book first lines. It was surprising to go back and see how my own first lines evolved.

I started drafting Wonder Wings: Guess Who's Flying on a writing retreat in September, 2018. I had rented a cabin at a state park for a few days. I wanted a chance to write without distraction. Wonder Wings was just an idea then. I had the idea to write a riddle book about things with wings and the different ways that wings work.

Sitting inside my cozy cabin at a large wooden table, I pulled out a blank notebook. I started by brainstorming some winged things that might appear in the book. I jotted down some different animals: Dragonflies. Hummingbirds. Butterflies.

I noticed a pattern, a BUM-bah-BUM rhythm. Was the book telling me to write it in rhyme?

I should point out that this was not my first picture book. I had published several science and nature picture books then. But those books were written in prose. I had never written a book in rhyme. I had never written anything in rhyme. I decided to experiment and see if I could even do it.

First, I chose a rhyme structure. I settled on something simple, since this was my first rhyming attempt. Here's what I chose:

• AABB rhyme scheme

• iambic tetrameter (bah-BUM rhythm, four repetitions per line)

At that time, I didn't take a class or read a book on how to write in rhyme—those would come later. Back then, I was just trying to figure out how to do it by sound. I would write one verse at a time and revise until I thought it sounded pretty good. Then I would add the verse to my manuscript and go on to the next verse. It was slow-going. The opening verse didn't show up in the manuscript until several months later.

First Draft (2/2019):

Wings can soar and wings can skim.

Wings can sing and stalk and swim.

Look at the wings and read all the clues.

Can you guess? Whose wings are whose?

I wanted these opening lines to be an invitation to the reader, to encourage them to read the book and try to solve the riddles. I also wanted the opening lines to hint that the wings in the book can do more than just fly.

In this first attempt, I can see now that the rhythm and meter in the first two lines are solid. I was using alliteration to tie the actions together—hence all the verbs that start with S. But stalk stands out to me. The hard consonants, T and K, give it a percussive sound, like the beat of a drum. It doesn't fit with words like soar, skim, sing, and swim, which all feel light and lyrical.

I notice now the bumpiness in the rhythm of the third line. Those bumps are created by extra unstressed beats:

LOOK at the WINGS and READ all the CLUES.

But I wasn't experienced enough to hear the bumps then.

December 2020:

Wings can soar and wings can skim.

Wings can hover, hum, and swim.

Look at the wings and read every clue.

Can you guess these wings by the things they do?

By this point in the journey, I had a completed draft. And I think this opening verse was working well in a lot of ways. I like the way the verbs sound in the first two lines. But I wasn't confident about how well my meter and rhyme were working.

At that time, none of my critique partners wrote in rhyme. They couldn't give me much feedback on rhythm and rhyme. I realized I needed the help of a pro.

I hired picture book writer and poet Laura Purdie Salas to do a critique of the rhyme and meter. Although Laura wasn't actively seeking editing clients at the time, she graciously agreed to take a look at my manuscript.

Laura pointed out that my first two lines have a very consistent meter. But my last two lines are a bit of a mess. Here's how Laura scanned those lines:

LOOK at the WINGS and READ every CLUE.

Can YOU GUESS these WINGS by the THINGS they DO?

Laura explained that my second two lines are "overstuffed with too many syllables." Throughout the manuscript, Laura showed me that I was so close on meter. She judged me 87% of the way there. (I love the exactness of that number!) Laura explained that a skilled reader would have no trouble with my verses, but a less skilled reader would stumble. She encouraged me to keep revising and smooth away the bumps.

Laura also gave me a great suggestion about the book's overall structure. I had been trying, and failing, to figure out a way to organize the verses and create a narrative arc. I had tried grouping by animal type (insects, birds, etc.), by time of day (day versus night animals), by season of the year. Nothing had worked. Laura suggested I try going from the smallest winged thing to the biggest. She also suggested that I revise the opening verse to hint at that structure.

When I tried Laura's idea, and reorganized from smallest to biggest, it was like magic. The structure clicked into place. And something new emerged. The smallest wings tended to be familiar backyard creatures, while the largest were more distant and more exotic. The book now moved from small and near to large and far.

It was time to revise those opening lines again.

Final Revision (March, 2021):

Wings can soar and wings can skim.
Wings can hover, hum, and swim.
Small wings, big wings, near and far.
Can you guess whose wings these are?

This is the version that went out in a bundle of manuscripts to agent Sarah Stephens in summer of 2021, when she offered to take me on as a client. This is the version that got acquired in fall of 2022 by Courtney Code at Abrams Kids as the first book in a two-book deal, the first two books in a new series!

The second book in the Nature Riddles and Rhymes series, Fancy Feet: Guess Who's Walking, comes out next spring.

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Revision tip: Invest in yourself! Take some time away to focus on your writing. This can be as simple as locking yourself in a room for an hour with a “do not disturb—writing in progress” sign on the door. Or if it’s feasible for you, sign up for that weekend writing retreat. So many of us feel like we’re not real writers until we’re published. And that others don’t take us seriously. If you write, you’re a writer! If you take yourself seriously, that will help others take you seriously. Also, if you’re getting started writing in rhyme, seek critiques from those farther along that road. If you can, hire a pro to read your work.

If you read and enjoy Wonder Wings: Guess Who’s Flying, leave a review! If you need help getting started writing a review, read this blog post.

I offer general editing services. If you know an MG or YA kidlit writer who is pursuing self-publishing and needs proofreading or copyediting, send them my way!