PB First Lines June 2024 Edition

Featuring Constance Lombardo and Itty Bitty Betty Blob

Welcome to the June 2024 edition of PB First Lines!

I'm so glad you're here. Last month, I invited you to post your own first lines for reader feedback and promised to analyze them in my next post. Thanks to Liz L and Kate DeMaio for sharing their first lines.

Here’s Liz’s first line:

If you rolled into Lyric, Indiana, you’d hear…

Jingle jangling doors greeting customers;

boom thump wapping stereos hello-hollering out open windows;

slip-slapping sidewalk salutes;

neighbors jamming, feet tapping, fingers snapping.

As I noted on the post, I love the sensory detail and how the line establishes the setting and tone of the story. Liz noted that there might be too much sensory detail. I do think it feels a bit overwhelming, but I wonder if that’s because of the POV chosen. I’m curious why we’re in second person, here, why the narrator is talking to the reader. I wonder if it wouldn’t feel so overwhelming if we were experiencing this introduction to Lyric through the eyes of the main character. The next line does introduce the main character, but I wonder if it would work better to start with him and have him hearing all these things that make Lryic so wonderful.

And here’s Kate’s first line:

Demi was a hungry axolotl, and even though she loved her brothers, she thought they might make tasty treats.

I love that this first line introduces the main character and her problem, and makes the reader wonder something and feel something, and makes the reader laugh. That’s a lot to accomplish in a first line! This line gives me We Don’t Eat Our Classmates vibes. A few questions I had after reading this first line: do axolotls actually eat each other? Are Demi’s brother’s in danger? Has Demi been tempted to eat her brothers in the past—and resisted? What does Demi normally eat when she’s hungry and is that not available right now? Is this story going to be about Demi’s search for an appropriate snack? Finally, if this line accurately conveys the tone of the story, perhaps try to show the reader that the brothers might make tasty treats, rather than telling the reader. Why is Demi tempted to eat her brothers in this story?

If you’re interested in feedback on a first line from one of your WIPs, pop it in the substack comments. Readers can offer feedback throughout the month, and I’ll analyze them in the next edition of PB First Lines.

If you have a December holiday-themed book coming out in 2024 and you’d like to be included in the December collection, fill out the First Line form!

This month, I’m excited to have Constance Lombardo share the revision journey of the first line from her book Itty Bitty Betty Blob, art by Micah Player.

 

Original First Lines: 

My original title for this book was Picture Day at Monster School. 

The original opening lines were: 

Grrr!

Roar! 

Drool!

Snap! Snap! 

It was Picture Day, and all the little monsters were getting ready. 

Others included: 

Sometimes being a little blob was a little blah.

But Itty-Bitty Betty Blob dreamed of a life filled with Huzzah! 

Final First Line: 

Itty Bitty Betty Blob was not your typical monster. 

(And it only took me six months of rewriting, including a week at a writing retreat, to get there!) 

As you can tell from my FIRST first line, my original concept was all about the monsters. But the more I wrote, the more apparent it became that the real star of this story is Itty Bitty Betty Blob herself. She’s a little blob who loves rainbows and dancing, in a world of monsters who love splashing in puddles and stomping. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.) 

At the heart of the story is Betty’s unique Betty-ness. It’s about her discovery that the best thing any of us can be is ourselves, even if that is at odds with the status quo. 

When Betty lets her little light shine, it brightens up the whole world. Just like in real life. 

My final first line isn’t fancy. It doesn’t roar. Or wax poetic. 

But it lets the reader know from the get-go exactly what (and who,) this book is about. 

And hopefully it hits the simple, classic tone of a timeless story. 

Revision tip: This is another reminder that the first line might be the last one you revise. You might not know what your story is about in the beginning. As you revise the whole story, be open to saving that first line until you’re sure you’ve hit on the heart of the story.